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My farewell to this blog and to Ra (Part 3 Cincinnati abandoned and homeless)

It seemed like I drove non-stop back to Atlanta. I was tired of driving and I was anxious to get back to Atlanta and be closer to my family. I hadn’t spoken to anyone close to me in a few weeks by now. The closer we got to Atlanta, the worse Ra got. With what I now consider to had been his paranoia. As we were on the highway there was a truck that had been on the same stretch of highway with us for quite a while…which didn’t alarm me because Atlanta was the closest City so it would make sense that most of the cars would be headed in the same direction. To Ra this was not the case. He was convinced that this truck had been following us and were trying to write a contract on him when he gets to Atlanta. I just listened and nodded. Deep down it made no sense but if I made any notion of disagreeing with him I would be looked at as the enemy.

We got back to Atlanta and it was like a cloud of darkness was surround Ra. He was constantly on edge and I could feel it. Being around him was like walking on eggshells. I was on constant surveillance to make sure I wasn’t potentially compromising our mission or his location. By this point I felt stuck. He was my only source of getting around because he had the money. I was too ashamed to call my family because they would be like um…what the hell is going on. So rather than dealing with their disappointment and judgement I went along with Ra. Still trusting/hoping that something changed. Hoping that I could catch a break.

Finally he comes to me and says he thinks we should go to cincinnati, his home town. He felt that things would be better there and he had family there also so if we got in a bind we could crash with his people. He also told me that he was sure I could find a job there also. So I began looking for jobs in my field and see that there are lots of positions and companies I could probably find work for. Thinking this might just be the break I needed plus Cincinnati was only like 5-6 hours away, I thought it was the best decision given the circumstances. We gassed up and set off…once again.

Once again no one knew where I was, I couldn’t use my phone the closer we got to Ohio. By now I was experiencing pain from all the driving and I just wanted to get somewhere and be still. Women are not built for that type of lifestyle. Ra’s sister lived right outside of Cincinnati and he decided we were going to live with her for a few days. He looked at me and threatned me saying I better not try anything at his sisters house or he would hurt me and my family. By this time is when I really started to become fearful of Ra. He was noticeably different. He was literally snarling at me. I saw a different side of him. Not the Ra people saw on youtube for sure…

Cincinnati was rough, it was around Jan-Feb so it was still pretty cold. Much colder than what I was used to being from the south. Even Ra said it was abnormally cold there that season. Some nights we would stay the night as his sisters, some nights in hotel rooms but when we couldn’t afford it or when Ra was breaking a contract we would camp out in the car.

As soon as we got there I had applied for a job through a staffing agency called Lab Support. They specialize in positions for people with science backgrounds. Immediately I was called back for a job interview for a position starting at $15/hr. That was the most money I had ever made and I was beyond excited. I thought surely this was the break I needed and a way to get us both on our feet. So naturally I tell Ra the great news and he is being critical. He tells me he’s going to do his research on the company. Next thing I know Ra comes back telling me that I need to call them back and tell them I can’t take the position. I’m like wtf! why not?! He tells me that the company, Lab Support is headquartered out of North Carolina and by me taking that position North Carolina would tie in through me to him and start taking money from him. By this time I’m totally frustrated and irritated I don’t even put up a fight. Later I went back and tried to research lab support as much as I could. Still to this day I have no idea how he concluded they were headquartered out of NC. I still can’t find any information that supports that.

Anyway, Cincinnati as far as the city was not what I expected. It’s layout is completely weird. The city itself looks old. Interestingly enough is known as the “Queen City” just like Charlotte, another weird coincidence between Ra and myself. Cincinnati has this ominous vibe to it. Like it’s the perfect place to shoot psychological thrillers. I never found like the affluent areas of town with nice big homes. The roads are absolutely horrid! To top it off there was construction being done on nearly every road/exit. I couldn’t see myself raising a family there. But I was willing to try for Ra.

So now that I’m without job prospects as per Ra’s instruction, he’s like he’s going to take care of us financially I don’t need to work or it’ll hurt him financially. O….K. So we sort of set up shop on the other side of town…by setting up shop I mean he found a selection of Starbucks he liked to work out of and a hotel that was accommodating to him and his situation (him not having a license.)

This is where things really took a turn for the worst. Where I’m from there’s a starbucks and dunkin on nearly every corner. My old neighborhood theres at least 6-7 shopping centers with grocery stores and places to get coffee within a 5 mile radius. Not the case in Cincinnati. Much more few and far between, so as you can imagine whatever startbucks/dunkin we did find it would always be busy…and who loves coffee and doughnuts? Police Officers. Ra absolutely despised cops, they were most definitely agents working against him. It had gotten to a point where Ra felt like as soon as I showed up to pick him up or drop him off there were always cops there.

One day he gets in the car fuming mad. I can feel it. I knew it just by the way he walked to the car. I didn’t say anything until I absolutely had to so there was this awkward calm before the explosion. Me: “So which way am I going (driving)…” “To the room. Yeah I know you had something to do with those agents coming and fucking up my laptop oh yeah. I know you did this shit….” He’s going off and it’s scaring me so bad I’m swerving and I had snowed so I am scared shitless thinking we’re going to crash so I put my arm in front of his body beacuse I couldn’t slow the car down (the last thing you want to do is mash on the breaks when you’re on snow.) So he flips even more and is like get your fucking hands off me blah blah. He is trembling he is so mad. He had episodes like this frequently.

Or he would instruct me to drop him off and he would walk back to the room. Or he would say he needed to ride in the back of the car so people won’t write a passenger contract on him. By this time I was starting to voice my concerns. I had some psychic readings done by a friend which stated that he was not seeing things clearly and that he was possessed. I totally believed it, everything about him was different and everyday I was afraid for my safety.

Ra had this oracle deck that was gifted to him which he used ALL THE TIME…needless to say I grew to fucking hate that deck because he took the readings so literal. Every time he would whip out the deck and interpretation book I would almost hold my breath because if he felt like it was something negative about me he would flip out. One night we had stayed the night over his sisters and he had a dream that my family members had ambushed Ra’s sisters house hurting his sister and his niece. He did a reading on it and next thing I know I’m being threatened and cursed out. No matter how much I begged, pleaded, explained it was never good enough. Me telling him outright, Ra you’re nuts my family doesn’t even know where I am…was NOT good enough. He was CONVINCED they knew exactly where we were and that I was conspiring against him and his family. Then he would start saying “I know I’m not crazy…I have evidence to back up what I’m saying I know you’re plotting against me. My intel told me not to trust you….”

Another incident…we were sleeping in the car…freezing our asses off as you could imagine and my hands were so cold I placed them inside Ra sleeves so like I was holding his forearm. I think I may have been laying on my left side so my left arm/hand was tucked and much warmer than my right arm which was on the outside and why I tucked it in his sleeve. Anyway the point was I was cold and I was using him to keep warm vice versa. He wakes up and flips out accusing me of having placed a chip inside him. He is screaming at the top of his lungs at me. He claimed I placed the chip in his arm while my arm was in his sleeve and he woke up and saw the indentation. As you can see, these accusations were based on a dream. These were regular occurrences.

Everyday things are getting worse. His money was wearing thinner and thinner. We were becoming entirely too dependent upon his sister and mother for support. I know they probably thought I was lazy and just mooching off them, they had no idea what I was experiencing on account of Ra. Not to mention the fact that he told me NOT to take the interview I had lined up. By this time I was willing to do whatever it took to make money (except illegal activities). Babysit, make money online, doing readings etc. Then Ra spazzed on me again saying he couldn’t support me. I’m like you were the one who told me not to get a fucking job! WE went to chipotle and he ordered food and ate it in front of my face saying he just couldn’t support me any longer. I went job hunting that very next day. I was tired of the bullshit.

I landed a job through the staffing agency on the complete other side of town making $8.25/hr. It was literally a sweat shop. Production/line warehouse work. I hated every bit of it. Not to mention because I couldn’t use my phone at all, I just had to hope and pray that I woke up in time for work. Luckily I was never late. We couldn’t…excuse me…I couldn’t use any devices in the room. The tv, radio, hair dryer anything electronic had to be unplugged. But he would watch sports games because it was part of his work. Keeping up with the scores and contracts I guess.

Finally I was working and had money coming in. I started considering getting an apartment. One thing about Cincinnati is that the housing there is cheap, but the apartments are pretty run down also. I found somewhere I could afford but when it came closer to move in time I think the guy spiked the deposit, something happened to where I couldn’t afford to move in. Pissed off and tired I just kept working and looking.

One day I went to work with a migraine from hell. My co-workers were really nice coming to my aide and they started asking me what was going on because they knew it was more than just a migraine. So I started telling them a little about what was going on mentioning that I was homeless. A few offered me a place to live so I could at least get back and forth to work. They felt sorry for me. I felt sorry for myself.

Now I was making enough to start contributing to Ra and I’s expenses…or more or less he demanded I start contributing and I went in half for our room for the week. Things seemed to be a little better with me working, I wasn’t so dependent upon him. Then suddenly out of nowhere I get a phone call from him while i was at work. He almost NEVER called me because of the contracts, being tracked etc etc…he tells me that I couldn’t come back to the room and says he will contact me when he figures everything out. I had no time to ask questions no time to do anything. After I got off I sat in the parking lot for a while before I figured out my next move. I decided to book a hotel room for the night and await his instructions.

I paced back and forth in the room first and foremost PISSED because I had just went half on the room where he was and I was kicked out. I felt I had every right to be in that room as he did. Finally my phone rings and I take a deep breath of relief thinking he’s going to welcome me back…the phone call was nothing like what I had expected…he tells me that this entire situation is just too much for him and that hes just going to pack up and move out west. If he had to travel on foot he would. He’s going on and on about the bullshit contracts and agents following him and I’m like what the hell do you expect me to do?! I have no money no food nothing! So I got pissed and hung up. I guess his delusions had gotten the best of him and he decided it was best that he just up and left.

I spent what little bit I had left on a room for a few more days it was entirely too cold for anyone to be outside.

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Every emotion you cold possibly think of, went through my mind…body…and spirit. At first I felt relieved because I didn’t have to deal with him anymore. Why was I allowing myself to be put through such nonsense? For the sake of love? This is where I feel people SHOULD love conditionally. No one deserves any type of treatment just because they love a person.

By now my own money had ran out and I had broke down and called my dad and asked for some money. The money was going to be used to getting me home. I just had to wait it out for another 2 weeks until I could get the money. I remember leaving the hotel room trying to prepare my mind for what lied ahead of me…Several cold nights sleeping alone in my car, in a foreign place. cinxy

Nothing on earth could have prepared me for this… being truly homeless…

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From unemployed college grad to backpacker

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Look at him, primal in nature, Leo at heart. He’s built for the rough tundra, going days, weeks even without modern amenities. You have to have heart for this, in short Leo’s are about that life. Ra has been on the spiritual path for quite awhile. His story is filled with determination, courage, and innovation to say the least. His story speaks volumes, I am humbled having had the opportunity to hear just a portion of it. I urge him to one day share his story with the world. We are quite different, yet similar in a lot of ways.

This journey however, is much different than anything I have ever experienced. You see, I come from a comfortable home financially. I never really had to hurt for anything. Being the youngest of my siblings, one could infer that I was spoiled. Although I was the youngest, I was the first to go to college. Going to college really wasn’t an option. I had to go. The only reason I even remotely wanted to go was so that I could continue with my athletic career. It was my true love up until I got to college and it started feeling more like a job so I decided to finally retire my Nikes. After that I went through the monotonous going to class routine then one day I finally asked myself: ‘why am I here?’ Something within me knew that I was supposed to be doing something different. There was a deep void within me that college simply wasn’t fulfilling. My grades began to suffer due to my lack of direction and shortly after I found myself on the brink of academic suspension. Everything seemed to had fallen apart and I was a wreck. I had no idea how I was going to tell my parents that I was getting ready to be kicked out of school because of poor grades. One day I mustered the strength and told them, of course their response was nothing short of chilling. ‘Wasting our money’ mixed in with some choice swear words was the sum of that convo.

But, I digress, college was deeply confusing. I had my own internal battle with trying to find my own path along with the pressure from my family to finish. Needless to say I made it.

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Once I graduated, I thought I would quickly land a career in my field like a respectable college grad and begin my life. See, in western society, ‘life’ never really begins. The ‘system’ is set up to where you spend your pivotal years becoming a young adult, stuck in an institution…educational institution that is. They tell you once you graduate the fun is over…they weren’t lying either. The excitement of graduation was short lived as I was more so just ready to get it over with. I’d have to say the worst feeling in the world was having a college degree and having no clue what I was going to do next.

Shortly after graduation I found myself right back home living with my parents. It was degrading, torturous, and depressing. Nothing was falling through for me at that time. I would say leading up to graduation and a few months after, I put in at least 20 applications in my field. Only one of those companies contacted me back. Those are just the companies in my field. Once I saw that nothing was coming through, I started putting in apps at other places. I tried to land an entry level position, but to no avail, my attempts were futile.

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I finally decided that the pressure of being home and not doing anything with my life was too much to bear so I uprooted myself to a family members home in another state. Shortly after, I landed a laboratory job. You could say it was in field; it was more like a job where a degree would be advised but they don’t want to compensate their employees for it so it wasn’t technically a ‘degreed position.’ Interestingly enough, everyone there had similar stories. No one wanted to hire them in their field so they settled. I too, was settling. Every morning I clocked in I thought to myself ‘what are you doing here?’ I knew something big was in store for me, I just didn’t know what.

Ra and myself had been acquainted for quite some time but for a period of time this year he was off the grid. Physically we weren’t in contact but spiritually I knew what was going on. One day everything shifted and he called me. At that point things started to look up for me. Shortly after I found out that the lab I was working at was closing. For others it seemed like the world was ending, for myself it felt like it was just beginning. Ra and I had spoke of some big projects we wanted to do together so I saw it as a perfect opportunity to move forward with my life. From college grad to backpacker, I have zero regrets.